I Can See – Jina Wallwork
Is a friendship possible? We could share a thousand words of comfortable irrelevance while pretending that no other words desire to be spoken. Can I hold them back while my heart burns with passion and longing? I could force the conversation to adapt to the constraints of the situation. I could be her friend. Can I fulfill that role knowing that I will never love another? I will not ask for anything beyond a platonic relationship. My thoughts will learn to accept that my fantasy will never become flesh. My heart will come to understand the limited array of choices. It must disguise its beat or become isolated from its one true direction.
I don’t need to conceal the shape of my heart. She has seen my love, and she knows a friendship will cause me pain. She cares too much to inflict such anguish. She has caged her love and placed it out of reach. She tries to hide it, but I can see it clearly.
If she had accepted my offer of friendship, I would know that she feels neither love nor compassion. Under those circumstances, I might have found a way to accept the rejection. I might have come to believe that my heart was deceived by fantasy, and she isn’t who I believe her to be. I might have carried on searching for what I’d already found. She doesn’t speak of love, but her actions reveal her emotions. I can see her heart, and she cannot hide its content. I can see her love.