I Will Fly Away – Jina Wallwork

I stay by her side. She complains about life and she finds fault with the relationship. Her smile only ever appears for a moment and I consider all the ways I could invite its return. I listen for clues of how to create a smile. I wonder if it is deep within her and I hope to summon it into the world. I question what it takes to make her happy, while admitting that I don’t hold the answer. Whenever I make a mistake, she reveals her wings, but she doesn’t fly away. She stretches them out, while her words describe her flight. She doesn’t need me. I feel as though I have a full picture of everything that I’m not. I know every inadequacy and limitation. She has a sharp vision of how she wants things to be and I feel incapable of fulfilling her requirements. I try everything to please her, yet the smile never lasts. I’m always a conversation away from seeing her wings. I constantly fool myself into believing that my next attempt will make her happy, but it never does. I question if she knows what happiness is. She seems to constantly ask for the temporary fix.

She is showing me her wings again. I can see them clearly and they are beautiful. Every feather is in place. I imagine their soft touch as she brushes past me, yet still she does not fly away. She is looking beyond me.

She looks deep into the distance and with a superficial glance she gazes at the life she desires. I don’t know how this relationship still exists. She is distant, yet she does not fly away. I try to change this circumstance into the life that she desires. Each attempt is accompanied by our mutual dissatisfaction. I don’t know how to please her; she is always looking beyond me.

I’m coming to believe less of myself. Every moment we are together is a reminder that I’m not desired. When I place each kiss, I know that it touches only her skin. She will take my kisses, but she does not prize them. I wonder how many people she would prefer to be with; how far down the list is my name. Is it just because I’m here?

I look at myself in the mirror and I ask myself what I need to change. I stand there crying and naked. For a moment I see myself through her gaze and I’m filled with sorrow. There are so many things I cannot change. There is so much that she doesn’t love. I don’t want to see myself through her eyes. Am I to believe that I am nothing? I look deep into my heart and I know that I’m more than she believes me to be. Her heart is empty, and it clouds her vision. I’ve tried so hard to fill it with my presence, but still I cannot see myself within it. I cannot find the entrance and I have made the attempt time and time again. This mirror betrays me it doesn’t reveal all I have given and all that I have loved. I feel tired and defeated. I’m crippled by the strength of her perception, too often I find myself believing that it is true. I ask myself if I’m worthless and with each kiss, it is her who answers the question. She does not have to say a word; I know that she doesn’t think of me when she closes her eyes.

I begin to ask myself why I stay. As I ask the question, feathers begin to form behind me. I can only stay if I accept how she views me. I would need to believe that I’m not enough. I watch my wings as they take form. I look at them in the mirror, as I stretch them out wide. I will not constantly show them to you. I’m not asking you to change because I accept you as you are. I decide to take flight and I do. As you see me in the distance, do not imagine me to be anything other than I am.