Tear Apart – Jina Wallwork
I wait for the onslaught, knowing that your words no longer penetrate. I know that you are attempting cruelty out of kindness. You only ever push me so far. You are unaccustomed to the role you are attempting. Although I reveal much vulnerability, you avoid inflicting permanent harm. You are not using the entire arsenal I have given you. You do not enjoy cruelty. Those who enjoy cruelty would not know when to stop; the onslaught would be constant. Instead it is a small compilation of cruel words that are thrown in my direction like a false grenade. If you enjoyed this, you would want to see the consequences and feed your importance. Instead you scurry off to avoid witnessing the damage that is caused.
I am being manipulated by someone who cares for me deeply. At times I could not see the truth and because of this, a few words could tear me apart. I’m beginning to understand your reasons. You have decided what is right for me, without my input. You are manipulating me to follow the course you have laid out. As I become aware of your actions, I can see your plans unraveling. I can see the kindness behind your actions and it begins to seem amusing. A kind, wonderful person is pretending to be cruel and thoughtless because she wants me to love someone else. It seems like an almighty joke without a punch line. Perhaps, I will learn to write my own.
I question how hard it must have been, each time you tore me apart. I question how you must have felt. Were you constantly justifying your actions to yourself? If you need to pretend to be someone else, then it isn’t the right course of action. However, this is an act of kindness. It is an expression of who you are. You do not need to be seen in a positive and truthful light. You only need to do what you feel is right. At its core, it is an act of integrity. To be aware of this is a blessing. You couldn’t have behaved in any other way. It was in keeping with your beliefs and values. As I tear apart the illusion, I feel a sense of healing.